Monday, June 27, 2011

Jersey Shore

So, I don't like to be a hypocrite, so instead of just complaining about the Jersey Shore. I decided to try watching it.

I have to say, my uninformed prejudice about the show was much more forgiving than my informed opinion is.

Wow, this is bad.
No, really bad.

The remainder of this entry will be my spewing whatever comes into my head as I watch the last 15 minutes of the second episode.


Pink eye, rofl
What time is it? Could the answer be time to get drunk? Seems it always is.

Good god, "Situation". That is not the drink of a man. Or the haircut of a man. Or the fashion sense of a man.

This background music blurs the line between "romance" and "got drunk and hooked up," spoiler alert, it's always the rather

Pauly D, meet me at camera 2: Going after a girl with a girlfriend makes you a scumbag under any definition.

OMG, Ronny/Sammy/The Situation love triangle DRAMA

The really sad thing is that I've already decided I'm on team Ronny

Snooki hasn't been on screen in a while, she must be up to something

Omg, shit's about to go down, stand by

Omg, douche fight

I'm sorry Pauly D, how could they kick you out of the club after that

No, Mike, not everyone loves The Situation, and you can't make me.

No, I don't think you're a sweetheart either

I actually kind of like Angelina. I mean she's being horrible to her roommates for no good reason, but The Situation has it coming for some reason or other

Best threat ever "Yo, I will cut your hair while you're sleeping" and yes, that was to a guy

Team Ronny Wins!

The Situation: Don't try to look sad, it just looks douchey, but like a different shade of douchey.

Oh God, a montage

Oh The Situation, how did you not hook up with Sammi

And roll credits

This has been a moving day on the Jersey shore

Oh wait, Angelina is the one who didn't understand that a workweek is more than one day, I take back all good things I said about her

This is not music. I'm not old, it's just not music.


That's it for now

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Missing My Son

I was in a line at the supermarket the other day, and you know, I had all my things on the little conveyor belt there. And there's a gal in front of me that is staring at me and I'm getting a little nervous. She continues to stare at me, and I keep looking the other way.
Finally, she comes over closer to me and she says, "I apologize for staring, that must have been annoying. You look so much like my son, who died. I just can't take my eyes off you." She procedes to go into her purse and she pulls out a photograph of her son who'd died. He looks absolutely nothing like me. In fact he's Chinese.
Anyway, we chatted a little bit. She says: "I'm sorry, I have to ask you. Would you mind, as I leave the supermarket here, would you mind saying 'Goodbye mom' to me? I know it's a strange request but I haven't heard my son saying "Goodbye mom" to me, in so long and it would mean so much to me to hear it, if you don't mind."
I said, "Well, you know, okay, yeah, sure. I can say that."
So, she uh gets her groceries all checked out, and as she's going out the door she waves at me and she hollers across the store, "Goodbye son!," and I look up and I wave and I say, "Goodbye mom!" Then she goes.
So I get my few things there, on the conveyor belt and the checker checks out my things. He gives me the total and he says: "That'll be $479."
I said, "Well, how is that possible? I've only got a little tuna fish, and uh some skimmed milk, and mustard and a loaf of bread!"
He goes, "Well, well you're also paying for the groceries for your mother. She uh, told me you'd take care of the bill for her."
I said, "Well, wait a minute! That's not my mother!"
He says, "Well I distinctly heard her say as she left the store 'Bye son!' and you said 'Bye mom!' and so what are you trying to say here?"
I said, "Well, JESUS!"
I looked out into the parking lot and she was just getting into her car. I ran out there. She was just closing the door, and she had a little bit of her leg sticking out of the door, and she was pulling away and I grabbed her leg and I started PULLING it!

Just the way... I'm pulling yours...



I take absolutely no credit for this joke. All credit goes to Tom Waits.

Friday, May 13, 2011

Pandora's Website

First: no, not Pandora.com

Everyone has heard the Greek myth of Pandora. When the Gods first created Earth, it was perfect. There was no disease, there was no pain there was no suffering, there was no evil. The Gods took all of these things and placed them in a jar and entrusted that box to the world's first woman, Pandora.
Zeus issued Pandora one command when he gave her the jar, simply not to open it. Of course, as the story goes, her curiosity eventually got the better of her, and she opened the jar. The rest is history.
It's easy to make Pandora the bad guy in the story. How hard could it possibly be to just not open a box? It's not often you have the opportunity to make the world a much better place by doing nothing at all.
Fast forward to today. I was emailing with some friends back and forth, when all of a sudden an unknown email was listed in the recipients. It apparently got added out of the blue at one point on the thread, and everyone kept hitting "reply all" from there. No one could account for where the new email came from. It reeked of an online security issue.
I tried googling the mystery email. As you could expect when you try googling an email with a gmail.com domain, there were a lot of results. Only one result, however cited the email I was curious about, and that site was w w w . s a t i n p i l l o w c a s e s . c o m. (Spaces added for safety.) The google result had an important note next to it, however: "This site may harm your computer."
Now my curiosity was piqued. Satin pillowcases! All the signs to that point indicated that there was some type of identity scam going on, and my security was potentially implicated. But it was all somehow based around the idea that they could lure people in with satin pillowcases. What internet scam deals in satin pillowcases?
I decided to try the site. One quick look. It takes a few seconds for a computer to install malware, so if I open the page quickly, take a screenshot, and immediately quit my browser, I should be safe. Rather than follow the google link, I decided to retype the url into my browser. Upon hitting return, I was issued the following warning:

Zeus was making the point very clear. I was not to open this jar, there were bad things inside it.
How could you explain disease and famine to someone who hasn't ever experienced it? "One day it will just get hard to breathe, then you die." I needed to know why I couldn't open the jar. There was a reason this site was being flagged. No one who uploads malware kindly informs you that their site may infect you with Malware. There had to be someone out there in the depths of the internet who knew what was in the jar.
I knew the website was bad. I knew bad things would come to me if I opened it. I knew how malware can turn a computer against itself. The thing I didn't understand was how it involved satin pillowcases. How a website could use satin pillow cases to hold your attention was beyond me.
I decided to make a new appeal to the internet god Google for more information. I did a search for the website itself, w w w . s a t i n p i l l o w c a s e s . c o m. I expected some type of watchdog group would have it on a list somewhere and may have a brief blurb about what the site was. I was let down. Every result was some type of derivative from the site itself, and every one of them was flagged as harmful to my computer. I wanted to know what was so dangerous about the website, but the only source for that information was the website itself.
I'd imagine Pandora would have made any number of pleas to Zeus for information about what could be so bad in her jar. And of course Zeus, for whatever reason, wouldn't give that information up. That meant her only source of information about what was in the jar became the jar itself. She opened it, knowing it would be a bad thing, but at least she knew.

I'm still curious what is going on with satin pillowcases, and how a stranger's email turned up in my chat, but I'll probably never know. When Pandora opened her jar, Zeus was not mad at her. He always knew it was only a matter of time until it was opened. I suppose that's what the satin pillowcases are banking on. On some fluke, someone will come across them and wonder, and eventually that curiosity will make them look, and once they look, all the bad things start streaming out.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

The War of North Dakotan Independence

I'd like to share a theoretical scenario my friend Pat and I devised about a hypothetical move by the state of North Dakota to declare its self an independent nation during the Cold War. In this hypothetical scenario, the friendship between North Dakotans and the rest of the union must be neglected, just assume that North Dakota wants independence at any cost.

First fact: during the Cold War, North Dakota was prime real estate for the storage of nuclear weapons. This was due to North Dakota's low population density and the fact that it would only be a quick hop over the north pole to hit Russia. If North Dakota were to succeed with these weapon stores intact, it would be the third largest nuclear superpower on Earth

Picking a date. Let's say November 23, 1974. The year I picked was mostly arbitrary, but I did pick late November for a good reason. It's going to start getting cold in late November. The North Dakotan People's Army (NDPA) is going to be much more prepared to fight in this environment than the US Army. We're talking about a small population to subjugate here. If things did come down to a ground battle, it would have to end one way or another by spring, but in the next paragraph I will address why this is a moot point anyway.

The US at this point is already engaged in the Cold War with Russia. The North Dakotan revolution would immediately result in a second mutually assured destruction scenario with ND. I'll refer to it as the Really Cold War.

Now on November 23, 1974, the Governor of North Dakota declares independence. President Ford will have a couple of options on the table.

1) Let the state go. If he were to do this, he would have to live with the stigma of being the first president in American history to lose a state. (Of course Lincoln lost a few, but he got them back.) Given that this is only a couple of months into his presidency, which is already marred by his predecessor, he will not like this option, but it could be the lesser of two evils.

2) Ground War. Go in, take out the government, put a new one in it's place. Of course, this is easier said than done. I mentioned in my introduction that it has to be assumed that the bond between North Dakotans and their neighbors is neglected. That said, if there is any state in the union where people would truly put themselves on the line for their fellow citizens, it is North Dakota. Also, you can't forget the NDPA's stockpile of nuclear armaments. A ground war will most likely cumulate in option 3.

3) Nuclear War. More specifically, a second mutually assured destruction scenario with the northland. One has to assume that if North Dakota were to declare independence, it would not be on a whim. The governor will not be calling the shots from Bismarck. Not from Fargo. Not even from Grand Forks. He's going to be in a bunker built 10 stories underground 70 miles east of nowhere. The US could easily get Bismarck, Mandan, Fargo, and Grand Forks; this would quickly clear off a good half of the population of the state, but it won't be enough. The governor will then press his own red button and there goes New York, DC, LA, Memphis, St. Louis, Seattle, Miami. Was it worth it, Mr Ford?
That's not the end of it, however It was pointed out to me that the US would have the capacity to simply carpet bomb the entire state. This would simultaneous get *everyone,* every bomb, and every hiding spot for the governor. However, as a consequence, the radiation put off would end farmland in North Dakota (duh...), Minnesota, Iowa, South Dakota, northern Missouri, and likely parts of Wisconsin, Illinois, Nebraska, and Oklahoma. And that's being conservative. In short, there would be no more food. The people of the US will suddenly find fighting the red plague a small priority compared to starving to death.
Every nuclear bomb fired at North Dakota will be known to the Soviets. They will keep a count and know that the United State's arsenal is smaller by a known amount, plus whatever was in ND at the time of the war.
Even if the "carpet bomb" method wasn't taken, there would still be radiation lost due to a smaller attack. The reason we won the war is because our economy was so good that we could take care of our home life and military development simultaneously. Any level of nuclear strike in ND would lose that farmland and have some consequence in other states.

I should hope that Ford's advisors would realize all of this quickly and realize that any attempt to heat up the Really Cold War in North Dakota would be intertwined with losing the Cold War with Russia. As rough as it would be, President Ford would have to deal with it and let ND go.

The postwar time period would be interesting in North Dakota, but the fact is that North Dakota has good combination of farmland and oil fields that has allowed it to be one of only two states to run a surplus during the rough economic times the last few years. I think the sale of agriculture and oil to the US, combined with the simple lifestyles of the citizenry, ND would do alright for itself.


That's all on this subject for now.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Comcast Customer "Service"

Just gonna share this recent webchat I just got done with with Comcast's Costomer Service. I tried calling their 24/7 number to cancel my cable service, but they were experiencing "High Call Volumes" and couldn't take my call, so I used an online chat. I'm impressed they were getting a high call volume on a line to a closed department. I am, however, happy with her honesty that I was contacting a call center in the Philippines.


chat id : cede3a4e-79b2-4584-8ab8-f20b49eff76b
Problem : Ask Comcast Escalation
Mark Liepold > Ask Comcast Escalation
Ma. Cassandra > Hello Mark Liepold, Thank you for contacting Comcast Live Chat Support. My name is Ma. Cassandra. Please give me one moment to review your information.
Ma. Cassandra > Welcome to Comcast! My name is Cass.How are you doing today?
Mark Liepold > I'm good, how are you?
Ma. Cassandra > I am glad that you are doing well, Mark.  I am fine, thanks for asking.
Ma. Cassandra > How may I help you today, Mark?
Mark Liepold > I'm looking to cancel my cable
Ma. Cassandra > What other services do you have with Comcast?
Mark Liepold > I have cable and internet, I want to cancel the cable and keep the internet
Ma. Cassandra > I see.  Just to set expectations, Comcast Live Chat Support does not have the capability to cancel services. To cancel service, you need to contact our Loyalty Department at 1-800-COMCAST.
Mark Liepold > well, I've been trying to call that number, but no one will answer
Ma. Cassandra > I apologize for the inconvinience this has made.  Would you mind waiting for 2 minutes while I research some information in my system in order to better serve you?
Mark Liepold > ok
Ma. Cassandra > I have checked here that the Loyalty Department is open Monday to Friday 8:00 am- 8:00 pm and during Saturdays 8:00 am-5:00 pm.
Mark Liepold > why does it say online that that number is available 24-7?
Ma. Cassandra > The number is open 24/7 but the schedule depends according to its Department, Mark.
Ma. Cassandra > I know that this can be frustrating for you, not being able to contact them now.  But please try during the specific times that I gave you.  Surely, they can accomodate to all of your needs and inquiry.
Mark Liepold > ok
Ma. Cassandra > Thank you Mark for understanding.
Mark Liepold > You do understand how odd it is that you provide a 24 hour number without 24 hour service, right?
Ma. Cassandra > Yes, I do understand that but that number can connect you to different Department.
Mark Liepold > Has your customer service ever considered updating information I, the consumer, am exposed to so that I can understand that before I spend a half hour of my life trying to get through to no one?
Ma. Cassandra > I appreciate your suggestion, Mark.  I will try to note that so that our valued customers will be better informed next time.
Mark Liepold > Ok
Mark Liepold > One more question
Mark Liepold > I'm just curious where you are located?
Ma. Cassandra > I am from the Philippines, Mark.
Mark Liepold > Ok, good to know.
Mark Liepold > Have a nice day
Ma. Cassandra > Have a nice day as well.  Just to recap I gave you the schedule for our Loyalty Department.
Ma. Cassandra > Is there anything else I can help you with today? I will be more that happy to assist you with your other Comcast concerns. 
Ma. Cassandra > Analyst has closed chat and left the room

Thursday, February 24, 2011

iTunes Game

I was at work today listening to my iPod. I was listening to something by Janis Joplin when I noticed how much the song reminded me of Florence and the Machine. I've also had a song by Fall Out Boy stuck in my head, so I decided to see if I could set up a playlist where each song logically followed the one before, either by similar chords, themes, or just sound alike. I successfully did this. I then decided to expand this method to see if I could bridge from that song to others that I randomly think of. I did this for a bit, then realized that I was at work, but had been playing with my iPod for the last half an hour. I mentally made up the following game, then decided to try it out when I got home.

The iTunes Game

  1. Open iTunes, put your library on shuffle
  2. Play a random song and put it in a new playlist. Move on to the next song, and add that song to the playlist. Repeat until your playlist is six songs long.
  3. Figure out a series of songs that each follow from each other to make a flowing sequence from the first to second song.
  4. Repeat for songs 2-3 and on and on until the entire playlist is connected.
Here's the playlist I just generated. Songs are in bold are the six random ones I had to connect between.


  1. Sprawl II (Mountains Beyond Mountains) - Arcade Fire
  2. Blinding - Florence and the Machine
  3. When the Levee Breaks - Led Zeppelin
  4. Live and Let Die - Guns N' Roses
  5. Ghostbusters - Ray Parker Jr.
  6. Party Out of Bounds - The B-52's
  7. Hornets! Hornets!
  8. These Are My Twisted Words - Radiohead
  9. A New Machine - Pink Floyd
  10. Hide and Seek - Imogen Heap
  11. Laughing With - Regina Spektor
  12. Gotta Get Drunk - The Little Willies
  13. Beer - Reel Big Fish
  14. Wrong Way - Sublime
  15. C'mon Girl - The Red Hot Chili Peppers
  16. Zero - Yeah Yeah Yeahs
  17. Lovers (Live A Little Longer) - ABBA
  18. (I Can't Get No) Satisfaction - The Rolling Stones
  19. Rock and Roll Ain't Noise Pollution - AC/DC

I give myself bonus points for getting from ABBA to AC/DC in one step

Friday, February 18, 2011

St. Matthew's Island: A Modern Parable

I heard about this story recently. The more I've thought about it, the more I've realized how much significance this has to various issues with modern society. I won't dwell on it, draw your own conclusions.



St Matthew's Island was an island off the coast of Alaska, deep in the Bering Strait. The island was populated almost entirely by lichen and other plant life. A few mice and foxes made up the entire mammal population. On rare occasion, an ice flow would allow a polar bear to visit the island, but even when this would happen, with no prey on the island no polar bear would not last long.

In the early 1940's the United States was fighting World War II against Japan in the Atlantic. Faced with the possibility of conflict expanding to the North Atlantic, the United States decided to set up a manned LORAD station on the island to monitor any future ship movements in the area. The intent was to periodically ship provisions to the island to keep food supplied to the crew. However, due to the war, the United States knew that the possibility existed that one day a situation could develop which would cut off this food supply. With no food supply native to the island that could support humans, a small herd of 29 reindeer was brought with to hunt should the need ever arise.

In 1945, the war ended and the LORAD station became unnecessary. The crew was loaded up and the station abandoned. The herd of reindeer was left behind.

The reindeer did quite well on St. Matthew's Island. While a nearly endless field of lichen would not feed military personnel, it was perfect for the reindeer. There were no predators to speak of, and no other large mammals to compete with for the food supply.

The reindeer's population exploded on the island. On occasion, biology teams would visit the island. By the late 1950's, the population had increased from 29 to 1,350. In 1963, the population topped 6,000.

That was it, though. It took about twenty years for the population to expand from nearly nothing to thousands. Once the population reached this level, however, the bubble burst. The supply of lichen gave out. After two decades of growth, it took only two years for the population to drop back down to only 43. Of these 42 were female, and the only male was found to be infertile. After a few more years these reindeer, too, would die off.




Like I said, I don't intend to elaborate on the possible significance of this story to society today. The meager few followers I have to this blog are smart people. Just give it some thought.